Friday 11 May 2012

Jabba the Rutt


I woke up at 3PM today, which makes it official I’m in a rut. It’s the same rut you used to get in towards the end of your six weeks holiday, the one where you have nothing left to do, you are all larked out. Unfortunately for me, most of my friends are busy during the day, sothere isn’t anyone to lark with , so I sleep all day, then spend my nights hanging with friends, gigging or hitting the two clubs I actually like in Hull, they all end the same, with me getting home in the early hours of the morning and watching late night T.V (I class it as late night T.V even though it’s 2 o’clock in the morning, it’s still night till you fall asleep or it gets light out).  My life isn’t really going anywhere, I have no full time job, no career prospects and I dropped out of university, I should be panicking and trying to find a way to move forward with my life, but yet here I am completely fine with it. It isn’t that I don’t want more from life or the finer things in life; I’m just comfortably numb with what I have now. I’d be lying if I said that don’t have melancholy moments about it, but even when I have  moments of reflection, I don’t see a way to change my circumstances, I feel as though I’m stood waiting for something amazing to happen, but then again isn’t everyone?



I did have a job. Getting a job actually made me feel worse about my life, maybe because it was in a call centre. I lasted the whole of three weeks before they “terminated” my contract. Terminated! Like they were Arnold Schwarzenegger sent back in time to kill my contract before it gave birth to John Connor the leader of the resistance.  What happened is that I went into work ill, I was throwing up, So I asked my boss if I could go home, she said that it was fine, so I headed home. I then came into work on the Monday, the bosses pulled me into an office and told me because I hadn’t waited for my boss to clear it with her boss, leaving the premises therefore meant I went “A.W.O.L”, which is an instant dismissal. Up until this point in my life I thought  A.W.O.L  was a military thing, oh and a shit Van Damme movie ( I said this at the time, clearly they weren’t JCVD fans as it didn’t even raise a smile, which is a shame because if comedy has taught me anything it’s always try and leave on a laugh).They really need to go over the language they use at call centres, using a word like A.W.O.L  made it seem like because I’d  left my post and enemy insurgents rushed the building and shot dead everyone inside, at the end of the day its call centre not a warzone.  When I got fired, I’ll be honest I was gutted, even though I hated every day that I worked in that place, It meant I couldn’t move out of my parent’s house, It’s like been fired had denied me the right to move on to the next step of life. It was reminiscent of when I was younger and my parents took me on a trip to Pleasure Island family theme park, it was the first time I had been to a theme park and I was an excited yet nervous wreck about riding a rollercoaster. I remember walking up to it thinking once I ride this rollercoaster I’ll be cool, like me riding this rollercoaster and bragging about it in school on the Monday would instantly earn me respect from the other kids in  my class, after all what did they do that weekend? (They probably spent it with their Dad, which was a norm for most kids at my primary school). Any ways I digress, I got to the front of the queue and I was too short to go on the rollercoaster by an inch, an Inch! The guy refused to let me ride. It was truly heartbreaking, I remember been stood with my Mum, crying my eyes out as I watched my brother and Dad have the time of their lives riding that rollercoaster. So what I’m saying the boss who sacked me and the guy who worked at Pleasure Island both left me devastated when they denied me the chance to take the next step in life, oh and they’re both cunts!



I realise that Americans won’t get that Van Damme film reference, to be fair most people won’t get that film reference, I suppose it is a perk of being a late night T.V watcher, you get to see a lot of shit films, But Americans won’t get it as the film is called Lionheart over there and I didn’t get fired for going Lionheart, a call centre wouldn’t even fire you for having a Lionheart, a Zoo might though.



I feel getting a new job would change my current rut, but finding a job is hard. Even KFC denied my application, if I can’t get a job at KFC where the hell am I meant to get a job? Out of spite I may go to McDonald’s and tell them that KFC called their Mum a slag, then sit back and enjoy the fast food war I started. If a war did start McDonald’s has the numbers but KFC have the weaponry, I imagine getting hit by a piece of fried chicken is gonna hurt a lot more than getting hit by a burger. Also look who is leading them into battle McDonald’s has a clown in charge, what use is a clown in a warzone? them shoes are hardly pratical and people would spot that nose a mile off. Look at KFC they have Colonel Sanders, I’ve checked on Wikipedia, he was actually in the army, shamefully not a real military Colonel, but is military trained; I’d want to be lead into battle by him rather than a clown (that isn’t even real).  So when the war is over, maybe then with thousand of fast food employees dead, my application may be successful, I’ll be employed, not happy, but employed.

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